Standing In The Wind
by Moxie-Proxie
Summary: She wants to be close to Wash, someway, somehow. And if being miles from Heaven is as close as she can get, she’ll take it, for now. [Post Serenity]


She's been living in a bubble. She's aware of it, even as she has no desire to break out. She functions but does not feel, breathes but does not thrive, survives but does not exist. She wants to merge into the cold blue steel walls of Serenity, she wants to sink into the floor and simply be. Because he's gone. Wash is gone and she doesn't know how to be alive. She knows how to survive; eat, sleep, shower, function. But the sound of River's laughter is foreign in her ears. Kaylee's smile is a blur in her mind. Happiness is a concept she cannot seem to touch.

She thought she would be okay without him. Really did, because it's what soldiers did. They bid farewell to their dead and moved on to the next fight. But she can't fight a half empty bed. A closet full of loud Hawaiian shirts. The plastic dinosaurs decorating the bridge. No, she can't fight a memory. Some days she wishes she could.

It takes three months for her heart to hear what her mind has been trying to ignore. Wash is dead. She remembers, vaguely, the last words he spoke, the last time he looked at her. The harpoon going through, telling him to get up, the fight with the Reavers; it's all in streaks of red. Like pictures shoved into the bottom drawer of her mind. It's not until she sees his birthday written on a calendar in their bunk, that it all starts to sink in a little too hard. Not until she turns around to tell him something amusing River did today, and she's faced with an empty kitchen. Talking to a ghost.

Looking at the stars always makes her feel a little closer to Heaven. To him. They were docked at some fancy resort in Persephone, hundreds of stories above the ground on the rooftop. Persephone, a planet where she never believed they would be welcome now embraced them like long-lost children. After the Operative had given the order to stand down, they were all towed into Alliance headquarters. Mal, Simon, Inara and River had laid it out for the government suits. River had pinpointed the Blue Sun Corporation, citing every law, treaty and moral code they had broken to fund their "research". The Reavers and her encephalon manipulation only two of their many projects. Projects design to make the Core a better place. To eradicate disease and crime, but under that lofty ideal - to wipe out other choices like race, sexuality, and the freedom of religion. Dark motives that Zoë herself was not ready to contemplate.

Her knees pulled tight to her chest, she looked down on the city below. A chaotic symphony of the rich basking in their wealth, seeking pleasure at a gambling table, an exotic meal, the darkness of a theater or the company of a Companion. She lived here now, could live here if she wanted to. All their records had been cleaned. Washed like blood out of a lamb's wool. River and Simon were no longer fugitives, Serenity and her crew were cleared of any previous or pending charges. Practically decorated heroes. Free to go live a new, better life of their choosing. Simon had an open invitation to become Chief Trauma Surgeon of any hospital in the Core that struck his fancy. Several hospitals were practically showering him with offers, and Kaylee had not been quiet about thinking of following wherever he might go. Start a mechanic shop like she'd always dreamed, patch up ships the way the man she loved patched up people.

It was a life Wash would've been proud to have. A life he had wanted for so very long. Free of being on the run, free of only moving in the shadows, dancing on the edge. A life free of fear. Yet he was not here to share it with her, so how much was a dream worth if the only soul you wanted to share it with was out of reach?

Which is why she came here, to the rooftop countless miles above the ground. To think. The wind is stronger up here, gusting hard enough to knock her off at times as vessels whizz back and forth like bees in a hive. But she feels safe sitting on the nose of Serenity, laying down against her metal skin and counting the diamonds in a sky like black velvet stretched taunt. She knows she should be inside, they're all celebrating their newfound freedom and she should be there. Clinking cups of saki and plum wine, sharing laughter and smiles, maybe a game or two of cards before the couples retire for the evening. To enjoy real beds and linens, for another kind of celebrating. But she cannot make herself go indoors. She wants to be close to Wash, someway, somehow. And if being miles from Heaven is as close as she can get, she'll take it, for now.

It's the soft footsteps that give her away. Despite the girl's grace and stealth, they've all become familiar with her tells, and the delicate sound of her bare feet hitting the hull is one Zoë knows well.

Within moments River is by her side, changed from her bloody dress into a sari the color of fresh red roses, expertly folded around her slender frame by Inara. She asked no questions, made no sound at all save for the soft murmur of the fabric as she lay down next to her. Didn't ask when she reached over and clasp her hand. She didn't try to pull away, she knew River wouldn't let her.

"She will be beautiful," River's voice rises like mist into the evening after long minutes of silence, "she will have Wash's eyes, your smile and she will love to fly, Zoë. Nothing, _nothing_ will make her happier than flying her daddy's ship."

She can't say anything at all. Just lets the tears she has been denying slide down her temples into her hair. _I never got to tell him_, she wants to say but can't find the words. _I never got to tell him because I wasn't sure, and now..._

"He knew," she whispered in the half light.

"How?" the word comes out hoarse.

"Simon, he told Wash," she seemed almost ashamed to be revealing this. "He knew you were uncertain, but I told him Wash should know you were pregnant."

"Why?"

"He needed to know," she said meeting Zoë's eyes, barely more than a hint of white in the darkness.

"Did you know he would-" she still can't say the word out loud, even weeks later. _Die_. It remains unsaid between them.

"No," a tear slips down her cheek and she doesn't reach to wipe it away, "not until it was too late. I'm sorry, had I known I would've... I'm sorry."

Zoë just nods in the dark, more to herself than the girl keeping her company. Wash knew she was gonna have a baby, he'd never said a word to her. _He wanted to let you settle into the news on your own_, her heart reminds her. It was Wash's way. He was letting her process before he let his own joy loose. How hard it must've been for him to contain, he'd wanted a family for so long.

"He left you something, would you... like to see it?"

"Yes," she whispers, still trying to fit all the pieces together.

Her husband knew she was having a child and had kept quiet, knowing what their life was like. He left her something that only River knew about. She didn't know whether to feel happy that he'd thought of her this way, or sad that he had to plan for something like this at all.

Quietly River leads her into Serenity and all the way down into her bunk. Zoë watches as she reaches under her mattress for a small package, before handing it to her. It's a small envelope, no bigger than a piece of paper folded in half. With a smile, she gives a pleased little nod before walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" Zoë asks.

"The gift is for you, not me," she says, hanging onto the door-frame as she looks back, "I'll be out talking to Book and Wash, if you need me."

"Talking to..." Zoë tries not to look at her like she's crazy.

"Book said his God could read thoughts like me, I'm going to see if He can send a message along."

All Zoë can do is smile as she walks away. Maybe somethings wouldn't change, and maybe River wasn't crazy after all. In Book's Bible there were fiery bushes that spoke an a man that could calm the sea, maybe they had a young lady who could read thoughts and speak to the dead. Anything was possible.

With a deep breath, Zoë opened the envelope and pulled the contents out. A folded piece of paper and a small square of fabric that felt like it contained something hard inside. Gently, she opened the letter with her name written on it in his best handwriting.

_Dear lambytoes, I never got you a proper wedding ring..._

With a smile on her face, River makes her way out of Serenity and climbs back onto the roof. It's like climbing rocks, searching for hand and foot-holds as she moves along the surface. As she stands on the top of the graceful ship, the wind rises and whips around her but with each gust she adjusts her balance. It cannot knock her down, she is balanced now. She has everything she needs, she knows where she belongs. And Zoë will too, given a little time, everything will find a new place. Looking down on the city, feeling the love of her family seeping through the hull and enveloping her, she remembers that day Wash asked her to be part of the secret.

"River," he rushes down the hall from the gallery, "hey River, I need your help."

"You need River?" she asked. "Is something problematic?"

"No no," he beams, he can hardly stand still, "our wedding anniversary is coming up, and I thought now that everyone but you, Kaylee and I are gone you could help me hide Zoë's present."

"Why do you want to hide a gift?"

"Zoë's found them every year, so I want this year to be a surprise."

"What is it?"

He digs a little box out of his flight-suit pocket. It's black and square, and she wonders how something so small could possibly contain anything of value. But when he opens it, she knows why it is so important. Two silver wedding bands sit nestled inside, polished and shinning. One with small diamonds going all the way around it, like a circle of light.

"A wedding ring, a symbol of life-long love and commitment, even beyond death," she whispers gingerly touching the rings.

With a deep breath, River smiles up into the evening sky. Her hair falling down her back as she closes her eyes and starts to pray. _I did my part, Wash._ Something tells her he'll get the message. As she stands in the wind looking down onto the city, she wonders if her own eternal love is down there somewhere. Looking for her.


End file.
